Constant feeling of exhaustion

I feel exhausted all the time. Exhausted by constantly thinking about the correct way to phrase my feelings so that people might understand. Exhausted by searching within myself for words that accurately describe how I feel. 

I feel worn out because my life is, at times, very messy. It involves sentences broken by all my crying. It involves me screaming into my pillow because I am afraid. It involves lying in bed in silence for hours, feeling extremely numb. It involves anxiety attacks that leave my body feeling like I’ve just ran a marathon. It involves me scrolling through my phone and starting a new message to my friends, before I decide I would be a burden and quit reaching out.

It involves me losing my cool because I spilled my coffee. It involves me calling a loved one only to hang up on them out of frustration, then finally calling them back to apologize. It involves me gasping for breath in a crowded room because it feels like I am drowning. It involves negative thoughts taking over my head.

I am exhausted because no matter how hard I try to use symbolism or metaphors, I can still never get it right. I attempt to design an experiment that would allow for me to confirm that I have tectonic plates in place of the spaces between the hemispheres in my brain; I am always on the verge of falling apart, and destroying everyone and everything around me.

Whenever I cry, I fear that my tears might actually be the rain before a tsunami. I check the weather to see if it predicted showers, which could offer an insight into my mood. I never know when it is coming. It takes everything I have, destroying me before it has finished.

Whenever I laugh, I remember I am an active volcano. I will never forget that it can be dormant for years before, out of nowhere, it erupts and destroys everything around without hesitation.

When I have a bad day, I think I am a star that has never burned as brightly as it was intended to, before it started dying. Majority of people think stars make the night sky pretty and wish upon them. We seem to forget that stars decay and deteriorate right before our eyes. 

I am exhausted by pretending to be something that I am not.

-Andrew F