A few years ago I thought that I had met the love of my life. She was everything I could have asked for. Or so I thought. It turns out that I was unknowingly involved in a relationship with a Sociopathic Narcissist who mentally & emotionally used and abused me for her own personal sick satisfaction.
It all started one day when she came into where I worked. We started to chat and the next thing I knew we were exchanging phone numbers and organising our first date together.
For the first couple of months everything went smoothly. Around me, her friends and family she would act all nice and sweet. People would often make comments like "She is such a lovely, sweet person. You are so lucky." That is what mostly attracted me to her. But after a while and behind closed doors she would completely change into some sort of monster and use a technique called "trauma bonding" which basically was used to control me by using scare tactics into believing what she wanted me to believe about her.
The real trauma began after the relationship ended 2 years later, when she told me that she was leaving me for her ex-boyfriend, whom she has been having an emotional affair with for several months behind my back. When I confronted her about it, she tried to blame it on me by saying I was the reason she felt the need to go back to him. At that point I started to look back on the relationship and wondered what I did wrong. On closer inspection things didn't quite add up. The many times she contradicted herself, where what she said didn't match her behaviour. She would tell the same story twice with 2 different endings. You must be thinking; why did I not pick up on these things while we were together? Simply put, Narcissists spend many years crafting their trade, so that they are able to control their victims and make them feel so secure and scared at the same time to question anything they say or do in fear that the relationship will end. Effectively it is a form of Stockholm Syndrome. Unfortunately, I fell victim to this. After I confronted her with all the information I had gathered she again turned around and blamed me for her actions and made herself look like the victim. After I pushed harder to try and get her to see the error of her ways (which was a HUGE mistake on my part) she started a smear campaign to try and turn everyone against me. Thankfully the people that mattered didn’t believe a word she said.
During this time, I started to developing a few mental health problems. Which most of I still deal with on a daily basis:
-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (Including nightmares & flashbacks)
-Anxiety (Mainly Social Anxiety)
-Eating Disorder (Overeating)
-Alcohol & Drug Addiction
-Intimacy Issues (Don’t like being hugged or touched)
-Suicidal Thoughts & Tendencies
There are some days where it is even difficult to get out of bed in the morning. Even when I do manage to get myself out of bed I am physically drained the entire day from having to deal with all this.
The reason I am telling you my story is not for attention, for people to feel sorry for me or for people to treat me any differently. I am sharing my story because I want to get the word out there that if you are struggling with any form of mental illness it's OK to ask for help. Talk to a professional, friend or family member that you trust, take medication, go for a walk on the beach. Do whatever you can to help yourself feel better. You're not any less of a person if you need to ask for help about your mental health.