Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of anxiety, depression, panic disorder, sexual assault, suicide ideation and trauma.
I am almost 60 years old now and I'm finally discovering my self worth for the first time. I was repeatedly sexually abused during my teenage years, and then, on my 18th birthday, I was raped. For 40 years, I hid those events way down deep inside me and never told another living soul about them. I believed that, somehow, it was all my fault.
My relationships have always been dysfunctional, I was always the needy, weak woman who chose to be with people of the same ilk because I believed that was all I was worthy of. I've suffered from anxiety, panic disorder and depression all my adult life. I have dealt with suicidal ideation many times in the past, but I didn't want to leave my family with that burden.
Finally, I got sick of frequent trips to the ED with what felt like a heart attack but always turned out to be anxiety-related, so, I sought help. I didn't go because of what had happened in the past, but sitting there in only my second therapy session, out it all came in a rush. It was literally like a volcano eruption from deep inside me that I couldn't have stopped even if I'd tried. Letting all the pain spew out of me left me feeling shocked and raw.
It's taken time but I now know that all these years of suffering have left a multitude of invisible scars that are reopening during my therapy sessions. At times it's painful but, at other times, it's enlightening and joyful as I realise that what happened to me all those years ago was not my fault, that I don't need to carry the pain around with me any longer.
My journey hasn’t been easy, but I have faith now that all this unburdening of myself will ultimately lead me to a better life. I liken it to being in a small sailboat and now, having decided to leave my familiar baggage sitting on the dock behind me, I'm setting sail towards a golden horizon. I don't know what's out there exactly, I just know that it is going to be better than where I've been. How wonderful it is to finally have hope! If there is anything that I want other people to know it's that it's NEVER too late to begin your journey to mental wellbeing.
-Susan
Voices of Hope wants you to know that you do not have to do this alone. Click here to ‘find help’ - it’s not weak to speak!