Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of death of a loved one, suicide, and suicidal ideation.
New Year’s can be a challenging time. The fear of this new year being another year filled with silent battles can bring on intense and overwhelming feelings. I know for me, last year was one of the most challenging New Year’s I’ve ever experienced. I was incredibly overwhelmed by my spiraling thoughts and unprepared which resulted in police being contacted and a meeting with the crisis team. My birthday is shortly after New Year's, on the 3rd of January, which I also find very hard as I am not a fan of my birthday due to struggling with my mental health and losing my mum around that time of year. Exactly 2 weeks after my 14th birthday my mum went unconscious due to a brain aneurysm and passed away the following day without ever regaining consciousness. So in my head, my birthday serves as a reminder of this date that follows two weeks later. Last year I spent New Year's and my birthday in respite but I want this New Year’s to be different. I have started to put plans in place to keep me safe and to help bring some joy into my life through this challenging time of year. I will be with people I love and trust, I will have something to do. I will be seeing a support worker over this time as well which I am very grateful to have the privilege of being able to do.
Last year for my mum’s 12-year anniversary, my best friend and I went on a little getaway and went on the most beautiful 2-hour horse trek to celebrate my mum. In doing this, it changed my mindset on how I saw the day. Instead of being consumed by my mind and the pain, I celebrated my mum. I did something I loved and something I knew she would’ve loved. Last year, I wasn’t met with the consuming flashbacks of seeing my mum go unconscious back in 2011 but instead, I was reminded of the beautiful memories we shared and although I still miss her I am thankful for the 14 years I did get to spend with her.
If this time of year is a challenging time for you, I encourage you to create a safety plan. Make plans around these hard dates and let people know that you find this time of year hard. Plan a getaway or activities to do over this time. Make plans with friends or family. Practice self care routines and do things that bring you even just the smallest bit of happiness. You are not alone in this. You are so important and you deserve to have a good start to the year. Be kind to yourself, I know it’s not easy but you can do this. You are all kinds of wonderful and the world needs to see just how great you truly are - even if you can’t see that yet. Keep fighting, beautiful. You are so very loved and your life really does matter.
I wanted to share a few quotes with you and I hope you feel encouraged by them.
“There IS hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.” - John Green
“Breathe darling. This is just a chapter. It’s not your whole story.” - Anonymous
”I kept going. Not because I wanted to. Trust me, all of me wanted to stop. I kept going because I deserved to know what not giving up on myself felt like.” - Renaada Williams
Lots of Love,
-Leticia
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