“Was I too much?”
“Should I have said that?”
“Are they angry at me?”
Doubt after doubt tumbled through my brain as I tried to grasp one coherent thought from the deluge of delusion.
“Why am I this way?”
“Why is my brain so loud?”
“Am I a disappointment?”
Insult after insult ricocheted around as I longed for a time before this internalised hatred overtook me.
“Am I alone?”
“Am I worthy?”
“Am I enough?”
While doubt subsided and insults faded, these three questions remained. At my highest highs and lowest lows, these three questions consumed me.
“Am I alone?”
When in a room full of people, a group full of ‘friends’ will I ever be truly known? Will I ever feel deeply understood?
“Am I worthy?”
Will there always be those people around me… Those who, despite my endless efforts, will always wish I was more than I am
“Am I enough?”
Will others’ opinions always dictate whether life is easy or rough? Will I always be afraid to let people down?
You see, I felt so afraid for so long. It seemed that the trajectory of my life depended solely on my ability to be liked, accepted, praised. I sought comfort in the approval of others, yet found myself still filled with so much doubt. When no one was around, who was I? And where was I going? In my attempts to find purpose in my likeability, I discovered something much deeper. The more I depended on the presence of others, the more alone I felt. The more I tried to live up to their expectations, the less worthy I felt. The more decisions I made to please them, the more I felt like I would never measure up. These doubts, insults and questions that were filling my mind, had gotten me nowhere good. It was time I switched the focus.
“Am I alone?”
When I lay in my bed at night, is my own company enough to fulfil me?
“Am I worthy?”
When I achieve something great or small, am I my biggest supporter?
“Am I enough?”
When push comes to shove, am I proud of myself?
Do yourself a favour and re-look at the questions you are asking yourself. Put yourself back at the centre of your story and see your story flourish.
-Aimee
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