Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of suicide and suicidal ideation.
My life feels like I’m in a constant state of crisis, haunted by my thoughts, never truly happy, convinced by my mind that happiness is far from what I deserve. How can this be my reality?
I should be happy. I have my dream job. I have a great and understanding boss that is like family to me. I have the most incredible best friend. I’m seeing a great guy and I have good people in my life. On paper, I should be happy and thriving in life but the extreme lows keep coming, the suicidal thoughts are still persistent, the urge to act on these thoughts is still present and it feels like only a matter of time before I give in once again.
I’m losing track of how many medications I’ve been on. Each time hoping it will be the last, hoping it will be the one that actually does something. The one that will silence my thoughts even just a little and make the urge to hurt myself at least a little less present. It’s like I’m caught up in an endless loop with no way out, consumed by the constant battle in my mind. A battle that feels like one I’m not destined to win. I try to remind myself that just because it feels like a battle I’m not destined to win, it doesn’t mean it’s true. I’m still alive and breathing despite multiple attempts, despite the persistent thoughts and urges. I am here and things can’t stay like this forever, they have to get better.
Whatever you are feeling and going through right now just know you are not alone. Life is tough but so are you! You are not ready to give up this fight, you are so incredibly strong and brave. You are deserving of love and happiness. The world is better with you in it — don’t ever forget that! You are meant to be here.
Be kind to yourself x
Lots of Love,
-Leticia
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