Trigger warning: this piece discusses themes of bullying, domestic violence, self-harm, sexual assault, suicide and trauma.
When I was 10 years old, I was already dreaming, wishing and hoping that things would get better for me. Wishing that the relentless bullying would stop, and people would just like me for me. By 13, I wanted to be someone else so I could be accepted. I was getting into trouble, becoming a bully myself so I could fit in and protect myself, at the expense of others. At 13, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Things seemed more than bleak. To me, there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
By 14, I got mixed into the wrong crowd. I told myself I was old enough to do all the things that adults do. At 14, I got into an abusive relationship and didn't leave until I was 15. During the ages of 14 and 15, I experienced a lot of sexual assault. Nobody believed me when I told them, because I was too young to experience domestic violence.
At 15, the last five years had worn me so far down that I didn't feel I had a purpose on this earth anymore. That I was only here to be someone else's emotional punching bag. At 15, I attempted to take my life, thinking there was absolutely nothing left for me. But I was wrong. My beautiful best friends saved my life that night, and they saved me for the rest of my life. They made me realise I do have people that care about me, people that want me to stay, and people who believed I could be whatever I wanted to be. Myself.
Recovering was hard, but I was persistent. It was not linear, but it was so worth it. Over the next few years, I started to overcome things I was scared of. Going outside. Taking pictures of myself. Going out with friends. Ordering food myself at a restaurant. Speaking about my trauma with friends I trusted, talking to a therapist. This made me realise how much I lost because of mental health issues, and that made me fight harder.
I found peace and purpose in helping others. I started volunteering at animal shelters and helping people without homes. Doing good for others made me feel good. Using my time to do things I enjoyed really helped me grow, and it helped me overcome the feelings that I wasn't good enough.
Now, I turn 20 this year. I have my own flat which I share with my wonderful partner and childhood best friend. I work with animals, and I’m studying environmental science. If you had told me that at 13, I would have thought you were lying! And this is how I learned, and is why you should not listen to what your mental illnesses are telling you.
In the end, my wishes came true. Things got better. I want everyone who is struggling to carry on to know, your wishes will come true, too. Keep holding on even when you don't feel like it. You have a purpose, and you are here for a reason. You are loved, keep wishing. You got this.
-Beth
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